Lately I've been reading You Do You, by Sarah Knight, because on a daily basis I find myself too concerned with the thoughts and cares of other people. Mind you, this is the same author who wrote The Life-Changing Magic Of Not Giving A F*ck and Get Your Shit Together, so she’s not a newbie to living your truth. (Before you go running to Amazon or a full-priced retail bookstore, I recommend taking a stroll into your local secondhand bookstore. I found this gem and 9 others for only $35 and reduced waste!) Now, I’ll be honest, I haven’t finished the book. But I had to stop and appreciate her amendments to the “social contracts” we all have to deal with on a daily basis and how it relates specifically to those of us living an alternative lifestyle. No matter what kind of kinky you are, you know better than most that we experience more criticism than the regular Joe, all in the name of being “normal”. Note the quotations, because honestly what the fuck is “normal”.
In You Do You, Knight chose 15 of her least favorite social contracts that really have the potential to harm people more than help them. I’ve reviewed them an added in my thoughts, because who doesn’t want to know what I’m thinking.
- Don’t be selfish - One of the hardest lessons to learn is that it can be okay and even healthy to be selfish. Selfish doesn’t mean you’re a psychopath only concerned with yourself. Being selfish can simply mean being aware of and prioritizing your needs before someone else’s. It’s important to note that you can still be considerate and “selfish”. This can look like holding your boundaries during a scene and stopping play if a partner crosses them. It can look like making sure you have your aftercare kit ready to go so you have the items you need to recoup after a scene.
- Do your best - Okay, so I think the real caveat here is that your “best” is not a stationary state. Some days, the best you can do is just take care of you and survive. Being your best doesn’t have to be a constant state of stress trying to achieve outrageous goals.
- Don’t be difficult - Brats will probably take the most offense to this contract as the entire basis of their relationship with a dominant is how difficult they can be within their agreed upon dynamic. But this extends a brat in their natural habitat, and covers anyone who’s ever struggled to stand up for themselves. Be difficult! Make some noise, make a point to hold your convictions for you and those around you.
- Do be a team player - Every introvert just went *UGH*. How many times have you been told there’s no I in TEAM since our wee days on the playground? This is one where I genuinely wonder, who the fuck cares?! If I get my work done and it’s done correctly, does it really matter if I was nice to Betty? It certainly shouldn’t. That being said, you can be considerate to your “team”, i.e. don’t be a dick.
- Don’t quit your day job - To anyone who knows me personally, you know that I do not subscribe to this social contract whatsoever. Not only have I been known to quit my job for something else, but I encourage everyone in my life to do the same if they aren’t happy. This is a concept I see very stuck and inherent to Gen X and older, while Millennials and Gen Z seem to do better with the concept of leaving a job. Life is too short, people. If you’re miserable at your day job, leave! In the Great Resignation, there are more than enough opportunities for you to find something you enjoy or go after the dream you’ve had. No one is going to hand you that dream, you’ve got to fight for it.
- You will change your mind - Okay, and? So I might change my mind about an unconventional decision. That’s the great thing about my mind, I can change it at any time! But deciding to not do something for the fear it might not suit me forever, is silly. People change and so will your life. Don’t want to be in a D/S dynamic anymore? Great, talk to your partner(s) and see how things can evolve to something that works for everyone.
- You won’t get anywhere with that attitude - Well let’s agree to disagree. I haven’t come this far because I was a docile sloth. I got here by fighting for every job, raise, personal achievement and being what some people called “scary”. Ironic since I don’t even hurt flies (spiders though can fuck off.). Brats will probably agree with me here, 1 an attitude is something perceived and varies by each person, and 2 we know when to knock it off and few people deserve for us to sherk off our attitude.
- You will regret that - Similar number 6, I’ve heard this statement from my grandparents playing like a broken record. I made the oh so scary decision to get a series of visible tattoos on my arms last year. Since then, they have been kind enough to inform me that I will regret them and how they won’t look like this forever. The thing is, I know that! The looking part, not the regret part. I know my arms will change over time and by their age, yeah you probably won’t be able to understand what some of them are. But that’s why I got them now, so I’ll enjoy them for 40 years and then just be the badass, tatted up grandma I aim to be. At the end of the day, it’s my body and I make the rules for it.
- You won’t get a good job if you don’t go to college - Ooo this is a classic one Millennials and maybe older Gen Z heard growing up. Somewhere in the 20th century, our elders decided that college was an end all be all for every person and if you didn’t do this you were a social outcast. Luckily for kinky folks, we are somewhat used to being outcasts and so we are breaking this stigma for ourselves and future generations. While I have enough student loan debt that I will probably die before I pay it off, I will not enforce this contract on anyone else. End of story.
- You will never live that down - Ouch...I feel attacked. As Knight writes, “if you’re freaky and you know it, clap your hands”, she’s not wrong! One of the things people outside of the kink community don’t understand is how freeing it can feel to live your truth and as your authentic self. What will I never live down? Cussing? I don’t recognize cuss words as taboo. Living in a dynamic? I live and love my partner thoroughly and in the best way for us, try again.
- You should always put family first - Well isn’t this a fun trauma filled statement. Anyone who’s watched a recent Disney movie will know that your family isn’t always great and we need to start holding them accountable for the damage they cause. One of my favorite things about the kink community is that we are fantastic at choosing who we consider family. Blood is not the strongest tie, don’t let it be.
- You shouldn’t act so crazy - What exactly is crazy? I think a better statement is maybe “don’t act so hurtful”. Mental health issues are real and calling someone crazy neither helps them nor does it adjust the negative connotations we have around said issues.
- You should smile more - As a cis female who’s heard this their whole life, go fuck yourself. You clearly need it.
- You shouldn’t eat that - Unless I’m eating glass, you don’t get to comment on what I am or am not eating. Food fuels our body. You do not have to earn your food, unless you’re in a strict dynamic that has it negotiated prior to entering into it. Even then, your D type should still be cognizant of ensuring you are fueled safely.
- You should check your ego at the door - Ummm again, fuck off. Most people will see your confidence as arrogance, but they’re different. So be confident, just don’t be a dick.
I think we can agree that a lot of these social contracts are constructs we created as a society to hold people down and are no longer valid excuses to be judgemental. At the heart of these ideas, is the central thought: don’t be a dick. Whether it’s to your partner(s) or general society, we just need less crappy people in the world. So buck up, time to be your authentic, awesome self!