Losing Your Libido

Losing Your Libido


From a non-medical professional, cis female’s perspective 

I’ve always been a sexual person. From my first relationship up until my current partner, it’s actually always been a problem for them to keep up with. Imagine my surprise when 2 years into my current relationship, I lost my libido. And I mean I LOST it. No masturbating, no sexy daydreams, and no sex with my partner. 

Side note: Your libido is your desire or appetite for sex. This can be spontaneous (feeling horny) or responsive (situational). 

You can imagine, as I realized what happened, I wanted to know why this happened. To my surprise, it can be really common to lose your libido for bouts of time and there are a lot of reasons why. Here are a few: 

  • Relationship problems 
  • Stress and/or major life changes 
  • Mental health, such as anxiety and depression 
  • Medication changes
  • Medical reasons, such as illness or infections 
  • Self-esteem 

After reading about these different causes of libido changes, it finally made sense! I had a combination of almost all of those causes, so of course my sexual desires were going to be turned off, literally. All the while, my partner thought I had lost all attraction for him. The reality was that although I did have some mental health and medication changes occuring, I had actually lost attraction for myself. 

Honestly, I hated myself. I didn’t feel sexy, strong, or empowered. I was self conscious about my looks and my ability, or lack thereof, to climax from penetration, which was the main form of sex we were having. Due to relationship issues, I also felt unable to communicate my needs or feelings to my partner. All of this rolled into a nasty case of low sex drive. 

Now I’m not going to tell you I fixed it overnight. In fact, it took me years to really bring back my normal sex drive and we still go through lulls, which by the way is completely normal! For some of the reasons I listed above, there are some things you can do to treat those individual causes: 

Relationship Issues

Counseling, Individual and/or Joint

Mental Health 

Counseling, antidepressants (some of these negatively impact libido as a side effect - talk to your doctor)


Seek advice from your doctor on possible alternative medications. Never stop a medication without doctor guidance. 

Medical Reasons 

Seek doctors assistance in diagnosis and treatment 

So what did I do and how can you learn from it? Well, to start, I did every one of those treatments listed above. Not everyone is going to need to do that, but if you do, I highly recommend getting a jumpstart on them. These changes take time to make an impact and are some serious issues that should be addressed anyways. 

But none of those things really helped me at the root of my self-esteem issues and that’s what has taken the longest for me to adjust. 

What helped: 

  • Research 

I feel like I’m constantly researching something at any given time but it helps me understand what the hell is going on. I learned that it is common for women to struggle climaxing with penetration alone and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Porn and erotica make it look and sound like the minute something enters the vagina, you should be ready to orgasm at the snap of your fingers. In reality, it doesn’t work like that! Understanding my body and how it works has opened my mind to new forms of pleasure. 

  • Self-acceptance 

Easier said than done, I’m aware. But I had to start the journey to accepting my body before I could accept the pleasure I deserve. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the belief that certain things about my body made me less worthy of love and pleasure. While it’s 100% false, you have to actually acknowledge that this is a massive fallacy before you can fix it. 

One of the things that helped me was actually feeling my body with my hands. This can be erotic or not, but just running my across some of the areas I struggle with, helped me accept that this is in fact my body and hey, I have really soft skin! 

  • Self-Pleasure 

Once you’ve accepted that you do deserve pleasure, go get it! Time to start masturbating again. You might not have the urge. But sometimes feeling your body can help get you there, or you might need more inspiration like ethical porn or erotica to get you in the mood. That’s okay! 

And don’t forget your toys. If you’re struggling to get into the moment, jumping to the vibrator might be too much. Start with your fingers or low vibration setting until the feeling grows. 

  • Sexploration 

When thinking about getting intimate with another person after having lost your libido, it can be difficult to imagine it. Sure you can fantasize, imagine a porn or erotic lit scene, but reality is always different. I found erotica incredibly helpful to relearning who I am in the bedroom and what it is I want out of a sexual partner. What this calls for you to do is be open to new ideas! 

The first step to getting your libido back is to identify the situation(s) that are impacting it to begin with. Start with the list above and see if anything rings a bell. Consider when it started to fade and what life changes occurred around the same time. From there, if you need to see a professional, whether mental or physical, see them! I cannot stress enough that you are not in this alone and there are people out there who will help you. But most importantly, know there is nothing “wrong” with you and ignore anything or anyone who says there is. A low libido, regular or new, is totally natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

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